The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
