I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
why do cheetos always look like penises
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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