FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
