Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
