fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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