Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
