I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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