So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
