The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
