He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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