I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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