I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
