I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
