I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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