walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
