Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
