did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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