I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
