We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
