And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
