My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
