Tell her she can't have a vagina
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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