You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
