Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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