I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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