remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
