god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Found the puke drawer
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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