Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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