ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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