Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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