So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
