So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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