My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
