why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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