she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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