That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My ass is underappreciated
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
