I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
In America we eat man semen.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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