I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My liver just broke up with me...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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