Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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