Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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