I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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