I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I love you.
Bad choice
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
