you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
