i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
