Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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