my vag is so smooth its legendary
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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