Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize