Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
