I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
