im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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