I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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