Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
