If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
