I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
