mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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