Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
