Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
