Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
